Beyond Communication—Building Connection and Joy in Relationships

In recent months, I’ve noticed a pattern in my clients’ discussions about their relationships: many are feeling stuck. They want change, they want the relationship to be better, and often they’ve already done work to listen and validate their partner. Don’t get me wrong—skills like communication and validation are crucial, but they’re just the beginning of a deeper journey. When I hear clients express dissatisfaction, it’s usually not just about the way they communicate, but about something more fundamental: the lack of connection, joy, and safety with their partner.

This got me thinking, especially as I indulge in my guilty pleasure: Love is Blind. Yes, I’m a therapist who loves reality TV, and while it’s heavily edited, those moments when we witness unfiltered body language or a true emotional shift are powerful. Watching these couples, I can’t help but want to jump into the screen to guide them through their struggles. Despite all the dramatics, there are clear lessons about what works and what doesn’t in relationships.

So, here’s my take on what I’m seeing and how it ties into real-world relationships and therapy.

1. Vulnerability is Courageous—But It Needs Safe Landing

I absolutely love watching the vulnerability these people show. Many of them are stepping outside their comfort zones, trying something new, and saying things they’ve never dared to say in previous relationships. They’re opening up in ways that should be celebrated. And yet, I often see them retreat back into old habits, pulling away when their vulnerability isn’t met with understanding or empathy. This is where I want to pause and remind you: just because someone doesn’t respond well to your vulnerability, it doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong.

Many of us fall into the trap of measuring the success of our vulnerability by how it’s received. If a partner shuts down, becomes defensive, or doesn’t hold space for you, that doesn’t mean your feelings or efforts were misplaced. It breaks my heart to watch someone bravely show their true self, only to recoil when the other person can’t meet them there. In couples therapy, this is something I see a lot—the need to build empathy and compassion, not just for your partner, but for yourself. Vulnerability needs a soft place to land, and if it’s not there, it’s crucial to recognize that this is not a reflection of you.

2. The Danger of Disconnection: What We Say vs. What We Do

Another key takeaway from Love is Blind is the lack of self-awareness some people have, which leads to a huge disconnect between what they say and how they act. Take the example of Hannah and Nick on the beach. Hannah felt hurt and disrespected when Nick joked around with another woman. These feelings are totally understandable. But instead of talking to Nick, she bottled it up, writing out her frustrations in a list of mean feedback that Nick ended up discovering by accident.

This is something I see often in couples: people feel hurt or let down, but instead of addressing it in the moment, they bury their emotions, hoping the other person will magically understand. Not surprisingly, this approach doesn’t work. The more we suppress, the more our resentment grows, and before we know it, a small incident has turned into a huge rift. I see this play out all the time in therapy, and the antidote often comes down to building self-awareness—not just in communication but in understanding your own emotional responses.

3. Communication Is Key — But It's Not Everything

One of the most common focuses in couples therapy is communication. And while it’s undoubtedly important to learn how to express your feelings effectively and listen to your partner, communication alone doesn’t solve deeper relationship issues. The real heart of a strong, lasting relationship is the foundation of connection and friendship. When couples have that bond, moments of miscommunication or hurt don’t feel like potential relationship-enders. Instead, they become bumps in the road that you can navigate together.

I’ve seen this dynamic play out countless times in therapy, and even on shows like Love is Blind. Those couples who can trust that their partner has their back, even in the midst of a disagreement, are the ones who thrive. It’s not just about how well they talk to each other, but whether they feel safe, understood, and valued. Safety is the bedrock of intimacy. It’s the feeling that no matter what, your partner is in your corner. When that safety is present, a moment of frustration or disagreement doesn’t threaten the relationship; it’s simply a problem to solve together.

4. Building Joy and Safety Together

Another crucial part of a healthy relationship is finding joy in your partner. I see so many couples stuck in patterns of routine, frustration, or distance, forgetting that at the heart of a partnership should be moments of shared joy and friendship. Think back to the early days of your relationship—what made you smile, what connected you? Couples who make time for fun, adventure, and positive experiences together strengthen their bond in ways that no amount of communication exercises alone can achieve.

If you’re feeling stuck in your relationship, it’s okay to want more than just being “good communicators.” There’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel connected, joyful, and safe with your partner. Healthy relationships thrive on a foundation of trust and shared happiness, and couples therapy should focus on deepening that connection, not just improving how you talk to one another.

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If you’re feeling dissatisfied in your relationship or unsure where to go from here, you’re not alone. Couples therapy can offer tools for better communication, but it should also help you rediscover joy, connection, and trust with your partner. It’s not about avoiding disagreements but learning to navigate them from a place of safety and love. Don’t settle for less than a relationship where both of you can thrive, grow, and feel truly seen.

And yes, I’ll probably keep watching Love is Blind—not just for the drama, but for those little insights into how people build, break, and (sometimes) repair their relationships. There’s always something to learn, whether it’s on screen or in real life.