This Body Was Never Just Mine
- Salma Soliman
- 6 days ago
- 5 min read
So let’s talk about women and body image… yet again. Another blog. Another discussion. I know!
My body, my choice… free the nipple… empower women… love yourself… blah blah blah. We’ve heard every slogan, every rallying cry, every version of “take back your power.” And yet—despite all of that noise—there’s something that’s been gnawing at me lately:
Women have become deeply, insidiously brainwashed into the very thing we say we’re fighting against.
This year, I really committed to my health. Not shrinking, not fitting a beauty standard—just wanting to feel strong and connected to my body again. And after a while, people started noticing. The comments poured in.
Mostly positive.
Mostly “kind.”
Mostly praising.
“You look so good!”
“What’s your secret?”
“Wow, I didn’t even recognize you!”
But here’s the part that makes my stomach twist: When I was heavier, you didn’t say anything.
Not “you look happy.”
Not “you seem more grounded.”
Not “your energy feels different.”
There was silence.
So why do people suddenly feel entitled and comfortable commenting on my body now? And dare I say it—why do women do it the most?
Well… I think it’s because we’ve all been conditioned—brainwashed, honestly—by the patriarchal idea that a woman’s value is tied to her appearance. Even in praise, even “from a good place,” even when we think we’re uplifting each other… we’re actually reinforcing misogyny.
And I’m tired.
Tired of being gracious.
Tired of holding space for comments I never asked for.
Tired of pretending that compliments about my body don’t come with strings attached.
So… how did we even get here?
A Brief (and Honestly Depressing) History of Women and Body Image
Women’s bodies have never belonged solely to women. Not historically. Not culturally. Not socially.
Feminist philosopher Sandra Bartky calls it “the disciplinary practices of femininity”—the lifelong training women undergo to shrink themselves, police themselves, and shape themselves into what the male gaze finds acceptable.¹
Naomi Wolf argued in The Beauty Myth that as women gained more social and political power, the pressure to be thin and flawless intensified, functioning as a modern form of patriarchal control.²
Contemporary research backs this up. Studies show that women receive significantly more unsolicited appearance-related feedback than men, and that feedback directly impacts their mental health.³⁻⁴
So here’s the truth:The patriarchy set the standards.Women inherited them.And now—without even knowing it—we carry the torch.
Internalized Misogyny Among Women
We don’t talk about this enough. Sometimes the harshest critics of women… are other women.
Girls are taught early that their social value is tied to being pretty, thin, likable, agreeable.⁵ So women grow up enforcing those rules on themselves and each other.
“Wow, you look amazing—did you lose weight?”
“Are you sure you want to wear that?”
“She really let herself go.”
“I wish I had your body.”
These aren’t just comments. They are lessons passed down from generation to generation about what a woman should be.
Internalized misogyny doesn’t look like active hatred.
It looks like comparison.
It looks like policing.
It looks like caring more about appearance than well-being.
It looks like evaluating a woman’s worth through a patriarchal lens and calling it “support.”
The Compliment Trap: Let’s talk about it. The moment someone compliments your weight loss, your body, your size—there’s an emotional trapdoor that opens underneath.
Research shows that appearance-based compliments reinforce the belief that a woman’s worth is externally validated.⁶
The trap goes like this:
If you say thank you, you validate body surveillance.
If you redirect, you make it awkward.
If you don’t respond, you’re ungrateful.
If you challenge it, you’re too sensitive.
There is NO winning.
Because the entire system is designed to keep women talking about their bodies instead of talking about their power, joy, ambitions, voices, success, grief, growth… anything that actually defines a human being.
Women bond through shared shame. Not shared strength. And that’s the trap.
The Body as a Project
Women aren’t allowed to simply have bodies. We are expected to manage them.
Sociologist Susan Bordo describes the female body as a “cultural text” shaped by endless expectations to sculpt, perfect, cleanse, detox, shrink, tone, or transform.⁷
Women’s bodies get treated like long-term renovation projects:
Before and after.
Glow up.
Body transformation.
New year, new you.
Fix this.
Tighten that.
Smooth everything.
Men get to age.
Women get to maintain.
It’s exhausting. And it’s not an accident—it’s conditioning.
The Emotional Toll
This isn’t superficial. This isn’t vanity. This is mental health.
Body surveillance and appearance-based comments are linked to:
Anxiety
Eating disorders
Depression
Low self-esteem
Body dysmorphia
Social withdrawal
Chronic shame⁸
Imagine living in a world where your body is constantly being watched, discussed, evaluated—and you're expected to pretend you're fine with it.
That’s the emotional toll. And women have been paying it for generations.
How Misogyny Lives in Women’s Everyday Language
Misogyny does not always scream. Sometimes it whispers.
It sounds like:
“I feel so fat.”
“I’ve been bad this week.”
“I need to lose weight before vacation.”
“At least you’re skinny.”
“She bounced back fast.”
“I can’t wear that with my arms.”
These aren’t harmless. They are scripts. Conditioned responses. Inherited beliefs.
They reinforce:
Thinness = discipline
Body = morality
Appearance = worth
Womanhood = performance
We speak the language of misogyny fluently because we were raised in it.
Okay Salma- I hear you. But what do we do now?
So glad you asked … listen I know we can’t dismantle patriarchy overnight. But we can stop carrying the torch for it. And it starts smaller than you think.
1. Compliment Women on Anything Other Than Their Bodies
Shift the focus entirely:
“You seem really grounded lately.”
“I love the energy you’re bringing.”
“You look joyful.”
“You feel more like yourself—beautiful.”
“I love the way you are showing up.”
Notice women for their being, not their appearance.
2. Stop Offering Assessments No One Asked For
If she wants to talk about her body, she will bring it up. Otherwise:
No comments. No assumptions. No evaluations.
We don’t need to monitor each other’s bodies. We need to monitor our impact.
3. Teach Women and Girls to Take Up Space
Physically. Emotionally. Socially. Creatively. Academically. Vocally.
Big laughs. Big feelings. Big dreams. Big bodies, small bodies, whatever—big presence.
We are not here to shrink.
4. Catch Your Own Internal Misogyny
Notice when it pops up:
The comparison. The judgment. The automatic “you look so skinny!” The internal commentary on another woman’s size, shape, or aging.
Interrupt it. Question it. Choose differently.
This is how cycles break. This is how liberation begins.
Let’s stop talking about women’s bodies like they’re the most interesting thing about us.
Because they aren’t.
Not even close.
References:
Bartky, S. (1990). Femininity and Domination.
Wolf, N. (1991). The Beauty Myth.
Roberts, T., & Noll, S. (1997). Objectification theory. Psychology of Women Quarterly.
Mills, J., & D'Mello, J. (2014). Gender differences in body-related feedback. Body Image Journal.
Bearman, S., Korobov, N., & Thorne, A. (2009). Internalized misogyny. Sex Roles.
Tiggemann, M., & Williams, E. (2012). The impact of appearance compliments. Body Image Journal.
Bordo, S. (1993). Unbearable Weight.
Fredrickson, B., & Roberts, T. (1997). Self-objectification and mental health outcomes. Psych Review.
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